Commentary by Lore Sjöberg
I recently discovered that you can buy a keyboard where each key is an individual LCD display. A completely blank keyboard is also on the market. At first I thought this meant that every possible input device had been created, but then I realized I was wrong.
There are mice and keyboards that I'd love to have, but nobody's making them for me. Capitalism hears all prayers, though, so maybe all I have to do is ask. Here's what I want to see, keyboard and mouse manufacturers.
Caps-Lock-Free Keyboard
Caps Lock is the worst key on the keyboard, and I'm including Scroll Lock in that assessment. At least Scroll Lock stays nicely out of the way. Caps Lock is right there next to A, making passes at your pinky and generally being a nuisance. It only serves two purposes. First, getting hit, so you go into a chat room and type in all caps accidentally. Second, helping the Greatest Generation send out e-mail in all caps on purpose. Forcing people to hold down the Shift key encourages them to keep the yelling to a minimum. I pry the Caps Lock key off all my keyboards, but that's unsightly and wastes space. Let's make the left Shift bigger, or better yet replace it with a more useful key, like Reload MetaFilter Obsessively.
Roomba Mouse
My mouse seems to suck up every grimy quark and boson on my desk and do something unpleasant with it. When I used a ball mouse, the dirt of course formed little gaskets of filth on the rollers that needed to be extracted with revolting regularity, but my current optical mouse either sucks it into the housing for the laser or just clings to it like a scared child with a stuffed animal. So as long as the mouse is going to be collecting dirt, why not do so efficiently? Pull the dust into a chamber you can empty. It could be set to recognize when you're not using it and cruise around the desk on its own, sucking up dirt, potato chip detritus and important receipts.
Speak & Spell Keyboard
Typing brings me down, and it's taken me 30 years to figure out why. My first experiences with inputting words into a computer were guided by a friendly, rounded electronic pal with a limited vocabulary but endless patience. I am, of course, referring to the Speak & Spell. At the end of every word it either rewarded me with a heavily digitized "you are correct" or encouraged me to "try again." That built a sense of entitlement that I've never been able to shake. The sound of a keyboard doggedly pronouncing every letter I enter and praising me every time I hit the Enter key would drive those around me into madness and frenzy, but it would make me feel good, and I think we can all agree that's what's important.
Invisible Mouse
No, this isn't a LOLcats caption. There are mice without the wheels, mice without the cord, even a mouse without the buttons. So why not a mouse without the mouse? I want some sort of sensing device about the size of a mousepad to the right of my keyboard. When I cup my hand and place it on the pad, it recognizes that I'm "holding a mouse." When I tap my finger, it recognizes that I'm "clicking the mouse." So, yeah, it's basically a huge trackpad, only you have to cup your hand. Because if you didn't cup your hand, it wouldn't be an invisible mouse, duh.
Edible Keyboard
You ever get so caught up in gaming that you can't bring yourself to go get something to eat? Well, why not buy a keyboard where the keys are made of delicious, nutritious, formed corn starch, using the technology behind Bugles or the Prius? Then when you need a quick carb boost you can pry off some of your less-used keys like F13 and Pause/Break. In fact, it becomes a game within the game: Can you still play effectively as you eat away at your own keyboard? Also, can you avoid thinking about the finger-oil buildup?
